Saturday, April 18, 2009

Thighs Wide Shut - A Vasectomy Story

Yesterday was the big 15 minutes of fame for Rob-junior and his sidekicks. Honestly I was a nervous wreck the day *before* this shin-dig and I remember thinking then, "dear god what will it be like for me tomorrow?".

Then the day of the surgery came. Shockingly, I was cool as a cucumber - all previous thoughts of finding some excuse to not go through with this procedure were gone ... faking a heart attack and running off the road? .. nah ... saying I wasn't feeling well with the flu or some such nonsense and needing to put this off ... uh huh .. not me. I was resolute. Determined to see this through. And so ...

... straight into the jaws of the doctor .. wait, that sounded way wrong ...
... standing erect I marched ahead ... um no, that *certainly* didn't happen ...

All right ... all right ... I took my Valium like a good 39 year old and let my wife drive me to the doc, while my son mocked me from the backseat. There you made me say it. To this end has my life come. How the once mighty have fallen :)

And now we interrupt this blog post for a departure to ... Valium.

Dear Valium how I miss thee. Though our time together yesterday was short, I will remember fondly the feelings with which you filled me. In your presence I knew a calm and peace unparalleled by Tylenol .... or Ibuprofen ... they don't compare to you my sweet Valium. Always will your memory haunt me - your selfless caress of mood-altering chemicals - ah, tis the stuff of which a "sigh" is made. A shield of serenity against the emotional storms at life's fragile door.

Ahem. The Valium really did the trick. Good stuff. Harumph!

So a short van ride later and we were there. I could nearly hear the sharp instruments in the next room, cackling maniacally - however quietly - so as not to be heard by anyone other than me.

Scalpel: Remember that last guy in here, how he squirmed when the doc cut a bit "too soon" before the anesthesia had time to take effect?
Clamp 1: Hahaha, that was great! I loved it when he tried not to jump when I "slipped" off the Vas Deferens and poked him.
Clamp 2: Dude I know - I so wanted to try that but you beat me to it! Maybe I can try with this next guy coming in, right? C'mon you never let me go first!

It's amazing what you can hear in a doctor's waiting room if you really, really try hard enough.

Well Josh was sufficiently set up with a cell phone for txting his mom and a dvd to watch. We waited a few mins and then the executioner's assistant ... er nurse ... came to the door and announced in super slow motion ... "Rooooooooob Hoooooortonnnnnnnn?" I swear she sounded JUST like Darth Vaders long lost chain-smoking sister.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

The testicular version of a funeral dirge played through my head as the short hallway to the torture ... er exam ... room suddenly expanded before us like one of those shots in a horror movie - the hallway lengthening to nightmarish distances while the floor tilted crazily. And onward Darth's sister marched. Directing me to the appropriate Chamber of Decimation wherein she immediately instructed me in how to take off my clothes and cover up with an "exam blanket".

Yeah thanks Igor - I can handle this part.

Finally seated in the exam room, having disrobed and covered my loins in an oversize paper napkin which I KNEW they'd whisk off of me once the doc was in arm's reach ... I began to make jokes with Heather - who if you remember, came along to watch. So we chatted on for a bit.

I noticed the Implements of Snippage, the ones I'd heard mocking a former "patient" ... they were hiding beneath a folded towel on a tray not far from their soon to be victims. My napkin suddenly seemed even worse defense than before. I could see the syringe which would numb me up- and oddly enough THAT was the one implement for which I was rooting .. I wanted 110% effort outta that guy. Mr Syringe needed to bring his "A" game today.

Then suddenly, outta nowhere, the song "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" by The Eagles came on the speakers. I nearly died laughing right then.

It wasn't long before the doc and his assistant arrived. And of course he brought a female assistant. Ah the shame was to be complete today.

The doc said hi, asked me to lay back and proceeded to immediately throw away the napkin which had covered me. So I'm thinking .... is it some kind of strange etiquette that we even need that thing to begin with ... suddenly hoping he's not thinking the same kinds of thoughts when looking at my "groinal" region.

After swabbing me from what seemed like my chest to ankles in idoine, the doc armed himself with the syringe and unceremoniously jabbed it into my nether-regions with barely a "brace yourself, here it comes".

At this point, I went into "root canal at the dentist mode". I figured there would be some waiting for the shot to take effect before the slicing and dicing began. However, the doc and nurse immediately began talking, still standing right over my most personal of areas, and were moving instruments around. I assumed they were just laying out things, using me as a table, getting ready for the main event. Heck the dentist does that, why not a urologist right?

Then I heard snipping. The click, click of scissor-like cutting. The snick ... snick .. of metal doing its very sharp and accurate business. HEY there's no reason to hear that yet right? Could I be numb yet? Its only been SECONDS since the shot! Do I ask them? Do I look down there ... um NO .... on that point.

So I ask at the risk of looking ridiculous.

Which when you think about it - how much more silly could I look right? Half naked, very white programmer body, and covered in iodine ... just to shake things up a bit. Yeah you don't want to look ridiculously when you're working THAT much cool.

So I ask em.

Turns out they were half done already. Wowsers. Soon they finished with the left side. Then the doc and nurse switched sides, jabbed me with Mr Syringe (for whom I was doing cartwheels on the inside) ... and proceeded to my right side.

I never felt a thing other than the two needle jabs.

Soon it was over. The doc was smiling at me, saying his goodbyes, giving me advice to manage the pain for later that night. We shook hands, I loaded myself and the copious amounts of gauze into my undies and sweats - and hobbled out.

The rest of my night was spent in front of the TV for it was my turn to pick for Family Night ... and my very closest inanimate pal for the next 8 hours was Mr Ice Pack - he must be related to Mr Syringe, cause the icepack was wonderful too.

So it was good. I'm glad I did it and glad it's over too.

As much silliness as I've put into this - it was actually a big bunch of nothing. The procedure was. Ahem.

I highly recommend this doc I have. If you're in my area, in Missouri near St Louis, and looking to have something like this done - shoot me an email. I've certainly got a doc to recommend. He's worth every second of the visit and without him doing such a good job, I wouldn't have been able to joke about this like I have.

See me later! I gotta go take some Tylenol. But Valium .. I still miss you.


Jennifer said...

FUNNY stuff mr horton! Hey so why not ask for more valium? I loved the story, you had me LOL muchly

Shaddy said...

You've put out another fun read. I'm so relieved for you and your wife's sake that Rob-junior and his sidekicks pulled through the snip, snip ordeal.

Rob said...

Jen - I actually DID ask Heather to put in a call for more Valium but the doc stamped a big denial on that. Ah well can't blame a guy for trying! :P I'm really glad it made ya laugh - was hoping it would.

Rob said...

Shaddy - haha, thanks and glad you liked the post. Welcome aboard the blog btw. Honored to have another reader!

TheBakers said...

Good read, thanks for the laugh. I am glad all went well.