The Dad Life ...

Best thing I've seen online in some time .. very great!  :)

Warning Warning! This blog is not intended to be used as a flotation device!

Good people, it is to this our world has come. Behold the product warnings we feel compelled to place upon our consumables. Whether motivated by legal needs or the desire to help those who will not take the time to think, and since we feel these things are necessary, I believe the warning is clear ...

We may have reached the end of humanity. Basically, I give us a week to ten days before Jesus comes back :)


Product Warnings:

• "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
• "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
• "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
• "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
• "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
• "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
• "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
• "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
• "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
• "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
• "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
• "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
• "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
• "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
• "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
• "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.
• "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
• "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
• "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
• "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
• "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
• "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
• "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
• "Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
• "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
• "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
• "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
• "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
• "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
• "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
• "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
• "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
• "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
• "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
• "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
• "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
• "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
• "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
• "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
• "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
• "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
• "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
• "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
• "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
• "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
• "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
• "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
• "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
• "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
• "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
• "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
• "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
• "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
• "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
• "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
• "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
• "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
• "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
• "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
• "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
• "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
• "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
• "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
• "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
• "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
• "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
• "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
• "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
• "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
• "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.
• "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
• "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
• "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
• "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
• "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
• "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
• "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
• "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
• "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
• "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
• "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
• "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
• "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
  "Do not wear for sumo wrestling." -- From a set of washing instructions

Mic check ... OR .. Is this thing on?

[Insert post here that reminds readers I ain't dead yet, just been swamped] :)

Rob

Clean house ... OR ... What You Want; Baby I Got It!

If you are one of those "super-neat-orderly-households-where-all-things-have-a-place-and-they-are-always-in-it" ...

... you need read no further.

Actually if you're one of THOSE people we probably can't be friends anyway cause my house would drive you nuts.  And in all liklihood you would pester me about cleaning up to the Nth degree, forcing me to do away with you and hide your carcass in one of the neverending places of clutter, either in my garage or basement.  Or perhaps in a nice pile of books in the corner somewhere, eh?  Which would you prefer?  I want you to be cozy in the afterlife you sick-twisted-neat-freak-you.

Ah, but I kid.

Actually I AM that neat freak.  However I have a strong procrastination streak and a long daily commute which most days talks me out of doing much else besides going home and being available to the family.

So at war within me are two sides.  One light and one dark.  One of Good, one of Evil.  The Freak of Neat is in a constant and epic struggle with the Proprietor of Procrastination.  Irresistible object, meet immoveable force.  Sound familiar?

We are however in the process of reducing our clutter at home.  And that leads me to my next point which is exactly what I wanted to talk about.  How convenient, right?

In case you've been smelling smoke, I've been thinking.  Perhaps we should do a blog-giveway thingy like I've seen more popular bloggers do to unload their junk share their wealth with their readers.  Just think of it!  I give stuff away to you.  You end up having too much stuff, then you eventually, either explode from the stress of having too much clutter .. OR .. you end up ranting like an old bag lady on your blog and start doing giveways of your own.  What a racket!

Actually when I weigh the options, those all sound like risks I'm willing to take.  Because if I can get rid of a moose-lamp or a genuine-imitation-Naugahyde jogging suit, its worth it to me to risk adding to your collection of paraphernalia.  Because I'm sure you'll survive the ordeal of some clutter in your life.  What doesn't kill us usually succeeds on the second try makes us stronger right?

So you as my reader, not only benefit from my brute-force-and-ignorance-style wit but BONUS, you strengthen your character by dealing with some additional clutter in your life.  It's all good stuff, honest.  The naugahyde jogging suit is gently used and won't even be wet with sweat by the time you receive it.

So just let me know if you'd like some free stuff!  I'll send it your way!

And now I'll quietly sit by my email box, ready for those electronic letters to start pouring in :)

Never forget the 80's ... OR ... Always Something There To Remind Me

A friend of mine and me are pretty big into 80's music.

Sometimes ... just sometimes mind you ... we exchange little zingers back and forth with each other using lines from 80's songs or song titles.  Here is a recent back and forth.  These always make me laugh and they are the kinds of things that make a boring day go a little faster ... plus it's a blog post just waiting to happen :)

From: Rob  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 3:15 PM
I’m not sure if you’re aware or not but I just heard on my iPod that “the heart of rock n’ roll is still beatin’”


From: Friend  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 3:24 PM
NICE.
Maybe next you can be "hungry like the wolf"?


From: Rob  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 3:28 PM
I can’t stop to eat.
I’m too busy "shootin at the walls of heartache".


From: Friend  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 3:30 PM
Do you have good aim with those "Bette Davis Eyes"?


From: Rob  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 3:37 PM
I do.   Great eyesight, but I’m a little sad cause I’ve had a "Total Eclipse of the Heart"


From: Friend  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 4:02 PM
Oh man im sorry to hear your sad, why don’t you call your friends and go out?
I heard, "Girls just wanna have fun".


From: Rob  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 4:06 PM
That sounds like a great idea!
Now if we just had a "Little Red Corvette" …


From: Friend  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 4:24 PM
If only we did,
Take it "straight to funkytown".


From: Rob  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 4:28 PM
Well dude I gotta run home but
"Don’t You Forget About Me"  ….


From: Friend  Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 4:36 PM
Ah crap, I think I missed you before you left. Next time "Wake me up before you Go Go"

Ah I miss the 80's dear readers.

Nosey Notions ... OR ... Use your OWN finger to pick YOUR boogers

As I sit here listening to Shania Twain, I thought I’d pen you all a post.  It’s been rattling around in my head for some time now.  Tis long overdue.   So, if anybody is still listening here you go.

Let me attempt to explain that whacky title.

The thought for the day is simply this “You can’t use someone else’s finger to pick your own boogers”.

It’s true.

C’mon we’ve all picked our nose.  Some of us more so than others have even done it while driving.

Now I’m sure you were under the influence of the thought that somehow, while you’re driving, nobody can see through that clear glass to watch you engage in unrestrained pickage.  Um, but we can see you and observe you finger buried to the elbow while you bring new meaning to the phrase “going green”.

I’m just sayin.  But again I have digressed.  Apologies.  Back to the tip (no pun intended) for the day.

Having picked my own nose I have observed that my finger is uniquely adapted for the job.  The angle, the reach, all of that is just perfect.  No complaints.

I’m sure the same is true for you but you’re probably too refined to admit you’ve picked your nose much less face the certainty of how well YOUR finger is made to pick just YOUR nose.

What if you tried to use someone else’s finger to do it though?

Grossness aside, would it work as well?  Definitely not.  Size would be wrong.  Unfamiliar finger nail.  All that.

But wouldn’t the steps be the same?

Now in regards to someone else’s finger, think about this.  The finger’s owner would probably tell you how well it’s worked for them over the years.  They would highly recommend their finger to you.  How that time after time, they’ve experienced wild success and totally clear breathing after a pick-session.

And they’d be telling the truth.  I mean it’d be coming from not just the president of the company, but a customer right?

So why wouldn’t their finger work for you?

Well because you have a finger too.  It’s uniquely suited to your task at .. er .. hand.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that only YOU have the tools to fix whatever situation you face.  If it’s a business situation, if it’s relationships, if it’s debt .. whatever.

Chances are there are TONS of folks out there that have had the SAME issue and they can even tell you the exact steps they followed to fix it.  Too often though we run out there, get the advice and try to become that OTHER person, stepping outside of who we are in order to address the situation.  We forget the most important step.

Make it personal for yourself.

Don’t dodge being who you are.

Because even though the steps may be the same as someone else’s, for the most optimal chance of success, you need to put your own spin on those steps.

Your own finger, see?  Their finger can’t pick your nose.  Only yours can.

Now get out there and use it.

Happy picking!

One Night Inn Baymont OR The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Hortons

So this past weekend I got to spend some time with my lovely wife; just me and her. After 14 years of marriage we spent our first night away from our son Josh.

More on that in a moment.

Heather had a class reunion of sorts, in Iowa, to attend and dragged me along and kindly asked me if I would go with her saying we needed to get our freak on in a major way during our night away spend some quality time together. I happily agreed being the adorable husband that I am.

As stated, Iowa is where we were headed. This is a 5 ½ hour trip, 6 ½ hours (or more) with a pregnant woman. I made the trip in 5 hours flat. Hey we had “plans” right? [waggles eyebrows]

So we arrived at the Baymont Hotel. Very nice place we found online. We are not exactly globetrotters we Hortons, preferring mainly to stay in our hollow with our cats, our weapons, our food stores, and our giant, human-consuming-canine.


So seeing as how we found a deal on a really nice hotel, we were quite proud.


So after we arrived at the hotel we scouted the place for amenities cause everything is always different in real life than it sounds when you read about it online. The place was nice though. Very good rooms, free high-speed internet, the works. And no I’m not tossing out the innuendos here but omg the beds were amazing .. I told Heather I wanted to take one of them home. Super comfy beds. Baymont, my well-rested backside salutes your choice in sleep furnishings!

So after we unpacked, we didn’t immediately get ready to leave the room again, we didn’t watch TV, we didn’t do crossword puzzles, we didn’t catch up on the news or anything of that nature. Ahem, THERE was your innuendo.

Soon however it was time for the other festivities and we did get ready and left for the restaurant. It was just a short drive from the hotel. And it was Mexican food, which is all I knew we were having. I was very much looking forward to some traditional Mexican vittles. Just the names, the sounds of the words made me hungry.

So we pulled up to a little place called Carlos O’Kelly’s??!?! HUH?


I immediately nearly fell down laughing in the parking lot. Making all kinds of jokes about “they’re always after me lucky burrito” whilst at the same time likely causing my bride to wonder at how the evening was really going to go. I mean here I am, her trophy husband, and I’ve essentially collapsed into hysterics upon seeing the sign of the restaurant. She had to be nervous.

I pulled it together though. Until we reached the gigantic entry doors which were painted shamrock green .. laughing I turned to Heather and said, “if the servers in here are wee folk, you’re on your own, I’ll wait in the truck”. You don’t get a husband much more quirky more understanding and supportive than me.

So we get in there, do the meet-n-greet. Friends and neighbors, I’m not very good with strangers. Don’t expect me to hold the conversation together k? I’m THAT guy. I can talk and be cordial, no problems there but I’m not the go-to-guy when you’re looking for someone keep things rolling.

So I was nervous. Always am in a situation where I don’t know anybody. How very unmanly of me you say? Bite me I retort.

Without dragging you through the entire evening, let me just say it went quite well. I found, as I always do, someone where I can attach my sense of humor to theirs and relate to them. So I had a good time. Was it the most awesome of all times to be had or that I’d ever had? Um, heck no. But you do things for your spouse that you normally would not do for most others. That’s part of marriage. The important part to me was that my wife got the support she needed so she wouldn’t be there alone, that she got to reminisce with old friends, reconnect and generally have a great evening.

And she did. So I did good – and that folks is what being a husband is all about. Learn it, live it, love it.

So our evening ended, we said our goodbyes .. I nearly left our new camera behind but someone there saved me from being a total dork and pointed it out to me. (Thanks Shawn).

On our short drive back to the hotel we stopped to pick up Tylenol. I had a stress headache from “keeping up the shields” for 3 hours or so. Maybe that sounds odd to you all but its how I am. I’m very watchful. And a sustained effort at social interaction of which I’m not accustomed takes its toll. I’m a nerd what can I say?

We decided we cap off our frivolity by taking in one of those new fangled moving pictures you hear so much about these days. “The Proposal” was playing. So we zipped in to the parking lot, hopped out of the truck and I promptly locked my keys in it.

Sigh.

Movie plans cancelled.

Now we had to contact a towing service to come rescue me, The Duke of Dorkshire.

About 40 mins later, what appeared to be a tiny, under-aged driver shows up. Fantastic. I was to be rescued by someone who made Doogie Howser look like Moses. I’m getting old. After about 5-10 minutes Tom Thumb jimmies the lock on my truck and forces me to pay politely robs me charges me $53 for the indignity of having a school-boy rescue my old arse. Good times. When can we get together again Tiny Tim?

So by now it’s getting late. We skipped the movie having no real desire to spend even more money at this point. Besides, I had my laptop back in our room and we could stream movies from Netflix for free. Back to the hotel it was for us then.

So we stayed up talking, eating some late-night (overpriced) pizza, and talking. Soon it was time to turn in. And there was an odd feeling to that. It was, as stated, our first night away from Josh. We called him on our webcam to talk for a bit. And that made things easier. But it still wasn’t the same.

It’s weird being away from your kid for the first time. Possibly harder when they are older and it’s the first time. We are rarely apart.

Yeah laugh if you like, about this being our first night apart, but we’re sort of that way about family. We do everything as a group and rarely do we part ways. Some may view that as unhealthy or whatnot but it’s worked out very well for us.

We’re an “I love you” kind of family. Often we reinforce it by saying “I love you” even when someone is just leaving the room. Not all the time mind you but it’s not uncommon. Reminding folks around you that you love them isn’t a bad thing after all.

So I have to admit it was odd to be going to bed without two cats, a dog and a 13 year old son about the house, making racket. The normal bedtime noises were gone. The beds were super-comfy though and it was good to know, having talked to Josh and saw his face that things were ok. It’s not like we sat there and wrung our hands with worry.

So all in all, it was a good time. We had fun. It was great to have some adults-only time. Talk about everything on a 5 hour drive (each way). We got to stop to do some shopping on the way home for Thing Two even.

So. Good trip.

A good time was had by all.

Successful mission, family.

Next time though, we won’t wait so long to try this.

Top 15 Star Wars Quotes That Are Funny In the Bathoom

Being the diligent nerd I am, I compiled this list this morning. I had this idea on the way to work and it made me chuckle. So I began thinking up quotes. I also searched for a list like this on the innerwebz but I couldn't find one. So here they are.

The Top 15 Star Wars Quotes That Are Funny in the Bathroom

15. "The Force is strong with this one."
14. "No reward is worth this."
13. "I sense something; a presence I've not felt since..."
12. Gold Five: Stay on target! Gold Leader: [shouts] Loosen up!
11. "Boy, it's lucky you have these compartments."
10. "Escape is not his plan. I must face him. Alone."
09. "This little one's not worth the effort."
08. "They're coming in! Three marks at 2-10!"
07. "Sorry about the mess!"
06. "Red Six: I got a problem here. Biggs: Eject! Red Six: I can hold it."
05. "Well looks like you've got something jammed in here pretty good."
04. "What an incredible smell you've discovered!"
03. "He can go about his business."
02. "I have a very bad feeling about this."

And finally, the quote I thought of this morning. The one that made me laugh cause although it's #1 it's really about #2 ...

01. Yoda (grunting) "There. Is. Another!"

And here are some more that didn't make the cut but are still pretty good :) Enjoy!

• "Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready."
• "I don't think the Empire had Wookies in mind when they designed her Chewie."
• "They're coming in too fast!"
• "Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!"
• "She may not look like much but she's got it where it counts kid."
• "One thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot thinner. "
• "It's not as clumsy or random as a blaster."

It's Burgertime ... Can't Touch This!

Apologies to M.C. Hammer for my post title. And now on with the show.

Last weekend, Storm (our dog) and I were alone here at the house.

It was a good time, filled with too much TV, too much eating, video games with friends and playing ball outside. Every time that the family is away it’s generally on a family night – aka Friday – so I get Storm a special treat to enjoy while I take in a movie on DVD.

On more rare occasions, I will take Storm out for a cheeseburger sometime while the family is away. No she’s not spoiled at all and if she is it my wife’s fault, not mine … ahem.

So last weekend we jumped in the van to head to McDonald’s – land-of-all-things-you-shouldn’t-eat-but-you-want-to-so-badly.

The drive-thru line was packed.

That was odd for the middle of a Saturday afternoon. Particularly here in the small town in which I live. Oddly enough for a town of 5000, we have one of those double-lane drive thrus. Apparently the folks here really, really like their Micky Ds.

So Storm, during the drive-thru experience was ogled by passersby cause hey she’s a pretty dog. People like to throw some love her way. She barked at a few .. one of those barks that says, “Hey I’m not serious here, just letting you know I’m around and that the distance you’ve got between you and my van, it’s like McDonald’s ... I’m lovin it.”

Eveybody knows that particular German Shepherd bark right?

Now that bark, for the uneducated, generally makes folks begin gathering their undergarments between their hindquarters at a geometric pace but to those of us who know the breed, we’re all just like “Oh you silly thing keep a lid on it”.

So we order our food and pull up to the window. I was driving – just so we’re clear.

There is a cute young lady there to take our money in exchange for food. Now I’ve been talking to Storm the whole time through our wait in line. I talk to her a lot. We have great one-sided conversations. Actually she does kinda talk back sometimes – GSDs have very expressive faces. One of my favorites is when they cock their head to one side while giving you that laughing look they have. It’s so, so great.

While we are waiting on our food Storm is watching this girl. The girl says something to me though I can’t remember what now. Storm gives her the same ‘woof’ that she gave the person that had walked by the van earlier.

The girl lied and said, “Aw, how cuuuuuute!” while managing a strangled smile. I just smiled back while putting a hand on Storm's chest to calm her and said thanks.

The girl left to get the rest of our order. I turned to Storm and said, “Well nice job with that. Now she’s NEVER gonna run away with me. Sheesh”.

Storm just cocked her head and smiled at me.

Exactly.

Billy Mays: A Final Broadcast

Billy Mays here, from the afterlife, to announce something earth-shaking, something so exciting
You simply must hear this to believe it!

Due to the recent death of mega-stars such as Farrah Fawcett we're overstocked on things like, flashlights.

So we are passing these savings along to you!

Flashlights previously used to look at Farrah's poster under the covers are now sitting in our inventory.

These flashlights are perfect for security ..
(cut to scene of the hamburglar getting caught stealing hamburgers from the kitchen)
For driving nails ..
(cut to scene of flashlight driving spikes into boards and then some dude hangs from them)
And yes all Farrah Flashlights are naturally resistant to moisture!
(show flashlight being dropped into a pool, hitting a nail on the way down, driving it in while the erratic beam exposes the hamburglar .. again)

Billy yells even louder.

Yes folks if you act now this fantastic Farrah Flashlight can be yours for the low-low price of $19.95.

But wait there's more! Billy's voice reaches an uncomfortable crescendo, prompting that internal reaction to reach for the remote .. but you can't .. because you KNOW YOU HAVE to see what's next.

Michael Jackson also passed away last week leaving us overstocked on yes you know it ..

Big Wheels!

We have Big Wheels filling our warehouse to the ceiling! If you call now, we will add in a Big Wheel with your Farrah Flashlight order .. ABSOLUTELY FREE!

That's right! But act now! These won't last and quantities ARE limited!

Folks, Big Wheels are GREAT for:
.. going to the market (shows Big Wheel with bike basket)
.. for exercise (shows ultra skinny model frantically learning to ride the Big Wheel while the camera rolls)
.. and MUCH, much more (prompting you to think that Big Wheels are more useful than just for riding around on)

So that's right folks!

A Farrah Flashlight
(screen swirls to show all it's amazing uses at once),
PLUS a Big Wheel
(image of Big Wheel is rubber stamped over the flashlight)

ALL for ONLY $19.95!

CALL NOW FOLKS! I'M BILLY MAYS for the FARRAH FLASHLIGHT and THE MJ BIG WHEEL!

Quick Riddle: What Am I?

Here is a little riddle for you - a quick funny even.

• This thing is mine.
• This thing of mine is long.
• This thing of mine is above average in width.
• Sometimes it gets wet but normally it is dry.
• It can get hot to the touch - so much that I can feel it through my clothes.
• It can be hard or soft and malleable.
• I use it nearly everyday.
• Sometimes though I take a day off cause I get worn out if I use it too much.
  
• Other people have seen it but my wife is the only one that sees it with me now.
  

Clearly I'm talking about my commute to work each day. It's made up of 45 miles of hot, summer asphalt road.

What did you think I was talking about?

Pervert.

And they didn't even rate me 4F!

A few weeks back, perhaps more like a month - I did something that I've wanted to do for a long, long time

Have you ever had one of those somethings where maybe years ago, you wanted to go through with a potential hobby, just give it a try and see what happens? Then whammo, years go by with you forgetting about it - life just gets busy - and you put it off. Then BAM! Something happens out of the blue making you remember that old desire and you say heck, I'll give it a go.

That's what happened to me.

And so I signed up for my first flight lesson to become a private pilot.

It was mucho amazing!! I even talked my wife and son into coming out to view what in retrospect could have been a horrible experience might something have gone wrong. Thankfully though, since I'm here gushing about flight school, I did indeed make it. And my family got to see dear old dad/hubby fly for the first time.

As previously stated in other posts, I'm not a small person. I'm a big burger eating kinda guy. I'm made for comfort, not speed. So when my instructor came out, looking half my age, eating a healthy snack, drinking water, being half my size and all Brad Pittish - I tried not to instantly hate him.

Seriously though, he was a good chap. And I'll never forget what's-his-name either.

First time flyers like myself get a TON of education thrown at them in an introductory lesson like this. I'm fairly sure this is in an attempt to "bring the noise" and show the noobs how hard this is gonna be. Weed out the weak ones, all that. So Brad Pitt rattled on about safety schmafety until I was nearly ready to scream ... I was thinking ... OMG lets get in the plane dude!

We spent about 20-25 mins on our pre-flight check. There is a lot to check. And I'm certain as one gets more proficient with it, you can skip over go faster through those checks. Finally, after much ado about everything, having examined every nut, this one got to open the door of the plane and get in.

Not so fast lumpy.

First we stopped and talked about the entire INSIDE of the plane whilst we just looked at it. I sighed on the inside. I was ready to get in the air. When I'm ready for something to get happening, I'm not very patient with getting things in gear. Some of you *cough .. Jenn ... *cough ... you're just like me there and you know what I'm talking about. We can't help it that we're so smart we know exactly what we want to do though, right?

I was ready to light that candle and be on the way.

So Mr Twelve Inch Waist leaps nimbly into the craft like some tiny elf. I dragged my ogre-like posterior into the cockpit (I DO wonder why they call it that) and strapped myself down in for the ride.

It wasn't long after this that I was informed I'd be flying. Right after that I rememberd I had somewhere to be. Clearly this pilot had a death wish. What he wanted to die young? With a chubby computer programmer at his side?

While he was explaining the controls I contemplated asking him where the laser turrets were and if the Empire had had Wookies in mind when they designed her .. but he didn't look like the type to get that joke. Kids today, right?

So he showed me how to steer. You steer a plane with your feet alone. Well that and your butt-cheeks grip the seat quite nicely - I'm fairly certain I could have navigated with tush-grip-power alone were my feet to lose feeling.

Nearly instantly I proved to Brad Pitt my complete ineptitude at steering a plane and he decided he'd um "take care of the taxing down the runway and the takeoff". I quietly thanked God for my non-coordination at that moment.

Well we launched her down the runway.

As soon as the dang wheels left the pavement Pretty Boy let go of the yoke and said, "she's all yours". Never had I wanted her less. Had it not been that I could see in his eyes he intended to let me fly I might have throttled him rather than the aircraft. So I saved his life and mine by taking the yoke and kept us pointed in the general "up-ish" direction.

I'm huge with official aviation language.

But seriously it was all mine from there until the actual landing. And it was so cool I can't even say. The plane by the way was small, a 4-seater Cessna 172. The doors were paper-thin. I saw the ridiculous little latch that held it shut when I got in. No WAY was it gonna keep me inside. And we were wearing just normal seat belts. My god. No airbags. No chutes. It was awesome!

There was a time when Brad Pitt was teaching me to bank the plane at about 2200 feet. He wanted me to tilt her over to about a 30 degree angle. That felt like death. My testicles beat a hasty retreat to somewhere behind my navel. But I did it. And to prove to me that the angle wasn't all that bad, Mr Too Cool For Flight School took the yoke and nearly stopped my heart by taking the plane over to 45 degrees just to illustrate how 30 "wasn't so bad after all".

Super funny stuff.

So we flew around for about 20 mins maybe more. Felt like years at times. But again, it was awesome! He taught me how to steer, how to bank, how to steer without the yoke or the rudder pedals - instead just making adjustments to the planes attitude with other controls (of which I don't remember their names).

So he let me steer it all back and begin our descent and then he took over. We buzzed some powerlines that are close the runway - a huge design flaw in my opinion. And we came in for a landing. My rear end remembered it was starving for seat cushion and took another chunk out of that sucker - I wondered if I'd have to pay for damages after this ride.

But we landed safely. We talked about future costs and how long it would take to become a private pilot. I got some paperwork, paid for my intro lesson and looked up at the sky.

Yeah I wanna do this. I'll keep you all posted on my progress :)

A fun (and cold) night ...

Last night we got to meet up with some friends of ours and hang out for some good times and family fun together. It's always good to see our friends Brian and Jenn even if its for some online gaming. We got to play some good game time and chat a bit. After our game-time was up, and we'd all said our farewells, the hour was later than we normally would have headed to bed - but hanging out with good friends is worth the occasional loss of some sleep.

My wife and I went through our bedtime rituals and slipped under the covers. I should note at this point, my wife takes endless trouble from me about her hands and feet being like total and complete ice-covered appendages. It's like she wears mittens made of pure frost to bed - also shodding her feet in tundra chilled skins of some sort.

She's very cold about the hands and feet.

So as we slipped under the covers, one of her hands *accidentally* made contact with my hind parts ... yeah sure it was an accident. Well I froze, near literally. I'm fairly sure my right butt-cheek has frostbite although I haven't checked it today. I lost feeling in my right hip. It was cold people.

So the laughing and snickering ensued.

She commented to me, "At least I didn't grab sometime else."
And I replied, "Yeah you would have cold-cocked me."

We spent the next few minutes laughing at our own goofiness. And thus was born a phrase which I'll probably never think of the same way again.

The End :)

Man Sandwich

Here is part two of, funny stories about me in the workplace. As mentioned in a previous post, these are to be all silly stories, starring moi, and my misadventures as a computer geek. And now to satiate your appetite, I bring you ...

Man Sandwich
Back at one of my previous employers is from where this story comes.

Ah we were a rag-tag bunch of developers. Full of grit, spit, and grit .. and spit .. and well there was a lot of spit. Our database administrator was a good dude named Ramakrishna Kotagiri. We called him Krishna for short, plus it saved wear and tear on our lips/tongue/tiny brains. Seriously, he just went by that shortened version of his name.

Krishna brought his own brand of humor to our group and he gave the trouble out nearly as good as he got it. And if you've not yet guessed, Krishna is from India.

So one day, we had been joking around - the mood was one of high spirits - most likely the bosses were gone for the day or something, not that that stopped us from having a laugh when the occasion called for it. We were always quick to have some fun at work.

Anyway, I was standing at a friends cubicle, diligently leaning on it ... aka holding down the wall lest it float away ... and another friend of ours walked up to stand beside me and yack for awhile. There we were, three pasty white programmers prattling away about much ado of which I assume amounted to nothing.

And Krishna comes strolling over.

Now the two of us that were leaning on the cube wall were nearly shoulder to shoulder. Krishna wedges himself between us (as stated he liked to give us trouble but had his own way of going about it). There was the typical good-natured guy fun of shoving each other around, trying to keep Krishna from edging his way in there ... I think you can see where this is going ... and then suddenly we moved apart and there he was between us, shoulder to shoulder ... to shoulder.

I was left-most in the lineup. Suddenly, I had one of my rare moments where I can't keep my mouth shut as I gazed to my right, evaluating our standing order in regards to color and I uncontrollably blurted out, "Hey look, Roast Beef on White!"

Ever have one of those times where you could almost see the words coming out and you wished you could grab them, stuffing them back in your mouth *before* someone could register their being spoken?

Yeah me too.

So realizing for the one-millionth time in my life, that you can't get words back once they are out, I paused for one horrific second, I'm sure the blood draining from my already pale face - and then everybody, yes Krishna included, starting laughing their butts off at me.

I nearly died as I leaned on Krishna briefly, laughing, apologizing and frevently hoping he'd not go to HR with news of my blundering blabbering.

Thankfully he didn't. And thus was born our own special Man Sandwich. And another story starring me as Goof #1.

The End

On the Seventh Day: Genesis of a Sandwich

San 1:1 - And after the Lord God had laboured for six days, creating the Earth and all therein; every creeping thing upon the land and every thing under the sea had he made. All things what did swim and things that did creep did God create in those six days.

San 1:2 - And on the Seventh day he rested and had a sandwich.

San 1:3 - In the beginning, the sandwich was without form and void. Darkness was upon the face of the table. And God said, let there be bread. And it was 9-grain Oat Bread.

San 1:4 - Then taking the flesh of a fowl, the lettuce leaves of Lamentations, hot banana peppers of Sheol, red onions of Gideon, and the pepper and salt of the Earth - God brought it together and assembled it.

San 1:5 - And he made the breadth thereof one eighth of one cubit and the length thereof three fourths of one cubit. The height he just let whatever happened happen - but know ye this - thou shalt not overstuff thy sandwich.

San 1:6 - Stretching forth his hand, near the Light of the Day, the Lord God toasted the bread. He saw that it was good.

San 1:7 - And seeing the good work of His hands he bestowed upon the sandwich a Nameless Condiment of Heaven. A sauce so filling, creamy and good, as to never be equaled by any sandwich topping.

San 1:8 - And God said, I love my Creation and they must have this as well. It would not be good to keep this from the Earth and its inhabitants. For this condiment is versatile as well as filling. It shall have a name they may speak.

San 1:9 - Taking his Creation to Adam, who had named everything thus far, he tasked Adam to name this Heavenly addition to Earth's flavors. And Adam called it Ranch Dressing and was immediately inspired to create Buffalo Chicken Wings. He left to attend his gas grill.

San 1:10 - God returned with the Ranch Dressing and placed a dollop atop his Sandwich. And God saw that it was good. And God took Michael the Archangel's sword and smote the Sandwich, cutting it in half.

San 1:11 - And the right half and the left half were the first Sandwich. And it was very good. Thus was born what would eventually become the Subway $5 footlong. Amen.

Rare spawn Saturday: When the Movies Come Out

Yes here I am on the weekend. As my post title implies this is a rare thing. For the next few posts I have a little plan of telling several funny stories - starring yours truly - woven around really dumb things my friends have caught me in at work. Oh yeah, I realize it's hard to believe that I'm not always Mr Cool. However if you believe I'm Mr Cool then clearly you'd never gotten to know me yet :)

Now on with our first story.

When the Movies Come Out

(The front cover of our storybook opens, the first page turns ..)

A few years back my friends Tom, Fred, Frank and I were discussing new movies that were coming out soon which we wanted to see. Although I can't really remember which movie it was that someone mentioned, I believe it was Tom, that asked, "Oh yeah when does that one come out?" It was a movie we all desperately wanted to see.

There was a pause, a palpable anticipation as we all searched for the answer. The tension mounted as each of us sensed that whosoever held the answer to that innocently posed question, took not only credit as holding the title of "Movie Guru" but the rest of would hold that other friend in high regard for all time. Clearly, the balance of power was precarious situated on the edge of knife - the slightest shift forever affecting the fate of all - by the words of one.

Emboldened I spoke with confidence that can only be born of the combination of pure ignorance and an overestimation of the importance of the situation. "C'mon guys, all movies are released on Wednesdays."

However stupid, that in and of itself wasn't so bad, however a ridiculous statement it may have been. It was what happened next that morphed my goofy answer from unusual to epic in it's proportions of wrongness.

My friends turned as one to tease me and laugh at that pathetic answer. Grabbing the only tool I had as a defense, I latched onto my Golden Shovel of Stubbornness and begin to dig myself such as hole, as to never be equaled again. Yes in my desperate attempt to know all about all things movies, I ... defended ... that ... ridiculous .. answer .. I'd .. just ... given.

Sigh.

You can imagine how the situation devolved after that. It really was the classic situation of the pack turning to consume the weak. In other words it was just us guys having fun. And to this day, whenever a movie release date is mentioned, I'm the "guru" they turn to .. not so much for a real answer .. but just to rend me again.

And no, our hero did not learn his lesson in this story. There are others to come in the following days. Tales of intrigue and subterfuge - nah dorkiness - that only yours truly can pull off.

(And the final page turns, the back cover of our storybook closes.)

The End.

Dear Mr Handprint Restroom Guy

For those of you who don't know me very well, I'm a "stall man" in the bathroom. Okay perhaps you didn't need to know that ... but now you do. Believe me I'm still sparing you from the true strangeness that is "me".

Speaking of strange, and speaking of bathroom stalls, for several weeks now, in my very favorite bathroom stall at work there has been the following handprint on the wall - if you have trouble seeing it, count yourself lucky. But there IS a handprint on the wall. It is about this image/print I will write today.

This photo raises a multitude of questions for me. And yes before you start this DOES mean I snuck into the bathroom with my camera phone and snapped a picture JUST for this post. Okay? Bang you got me. Now on to my questions. The biggest two questions I have are probably much like your questions as you read this:

Why is this STILL there? Why has it not yet been cleaned?

I would gladly clean this myself if but only to scrub the image from my mind as it disappears from the wall. However I have no access to cleaning products here at work. But I desperately wish this handprint gone. For there are other questions it's continued presence creates in my ever-busy brain. Which brings me to the title of my post.

Dear Mr Handprint Restroom Guy,

I have many questions for you based on your handprint's location alone. It is a considerable distance from where one would place their feet in a stall, for their "business" to be done, to the wall in front of you. Do you have some strange childhood issue that creates in you a desire to be nearly horizontal when you make wee-wee? Were you unbearably too tired to stand while you did this and in fact had to lean? If that were the case, isn't that actually MORE work, not less physical exertion?

I could go on.

And then the handprint itself.

What in the name of all that is holy is that anyway? Too faint for grease. Too smooth looking (although believe me I haven't touched it) for mud or dirt. How did you create such a perfect handprint anyway? Depending on the substance of the grime, I may now have a fuller understanding of why that hand was so far from you as you made potty. Perhaps I would have made a similar decision were the substance likely to, as this appears, leave a permanent stain.

And now the obvious question. Are you so freakishly large this was somehow necessary? Do you in fact have to just toss things out there, like so much tackle, and fish them out later? Then that would mean standing directly over the bowl would avoid uncomfortable bends in the wrong places. Is this then a flow issue of some kind?

And then the more down-to-earth questions.

This is an OFFICE. Where in HERE of all places did you find such an atrocity with which to adorn your left hand? I commonly shake hands here when I meet someone. Did I shake yours later that dark day? How would I know? Did you even notice this print you left behind? Your smudgy legacy of grime spurning an entire blog post from me in an attempt to rid myself of these feelings. Feelings of revulsion coupled with the sardonic humor of knowing I get to share this subject with my readers. Acknowledging the gross out factor was my only motivation for this letter to you after all.

So hats off to you Mr Handprint.
And gloves on.

You have left your mark on me in ways which I'm sure you've never dreamed. Forget the Hollywood stars, immortalizing great achievements in film and entertainment. Give me not the glamour and publicity of throngs of fans, screaming my name. Give me in fact the anonymity of the Handprint guy, changing the world, one smudge of grime at a time. For yours is a mark more permanent than the shiniest star on the walk of fame. A grime for all time and a stain of pain.

Yours truly,
Rob Horton

Thats it from me. I'm off to wash my hands ... again.

Thighs Wide Shut - A Vasectomy Story

Yesterday was the big 15 minutes of fame for Rob-junior and his sidekicks. Honestly I was a nervous wreck the day *before* this shin-dig and I remember thinking then, "dear god what will it be like for me tomorrow?".


Then the day of the surgery came. Shockingly, I was cool as a cucumber - all previous thoughts of finding some excuse to not go through with this procedure were gone ... faking a heart attack and running off the road? .. nah ... saying I wasn't feeling well with the flu or some such nonsense and needing to put this off ... uh huh .. not me. I was resolute. Determined to see this through. And so ...

... straight into the jaws of the doctor .. wait, that sounded way wrong ...
... standing erect I marched ahead ... um no, that *certainly* didn't happen ...

All right ... all right ... I took my Valium like a good 39 year old and let my wife drive me to the doc, while my son mocked me from the backseat. There you made me say it. To this end has my life come. How the once mighty have fallen :)

And now we interrupt this blog post for a departure to ... Valium.

Dear Valium how I miss thee. Though our time together yesterday was short, I will remember fondly the feelings with which you filled me. In your presence I knew a calm and peace unparalleled by Tylenol .... or Ibuprofen ... they don't compare to you my sweet Valium. Always will your memory haunt me - your selfless caress of mood-altering chemicals - ah, tis the stuff of which a "sigh" is made. A shield of serenity against the emotional storms at life's fragile door.

Ahem. The Valium really did the trick. Good stuff. Harumph!

So a short van ride later and we were there. I could nearly hear the sharp instruments in the next room, cackling maniacally - however quietly - so as not to be heard by anyone other than me.

Scalpel: Remember that last guy in here, how he squirmed when the doc cut a bit "too soon" before the anesthesia had time to take effect?
Clamp 1: Hahaha, that was great! I loved it when he tried not to jump when I "slipped" off the Vas Deferens and poked him.
Clamp 2: Dude I know - I so wanted to try that but you beat me to it! Maybe I can try with this next guy coming in, right? C'mon you never let me go first!

It's amazing what you can hear in a doctor's waiting room if you really, really try hard enough.

Well Josh was sufficiently set up with a cell phone for txting his mom and a dvd to watch. We waited a few mins and then the executioner's assistant ... er nurse ... came to the door and announced in super slow motion ... "Rooooooooob Hoooooortonnnnnnnn?" I swear she sounded JUST like Darth Vaders long lost chain-smoking sister.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

The testicular version of a funeral dirge played through my head as the short hallway to the torture ... er exam ... room suddenly expanded before us like one of those shots in a horror movie - the hallway lengthening to nightmarish distances while the floor tilted crazily. And onward Darth's sister marched. Directing me to the appropriate Chamber of Decimation wherein she immediately instructed me in how to take off my clothes and cover up with an "exam blanket".

Yeah thanks Igor - I can handle this part.

Finally seated in the exam room, having disrobed and covered my loins in an oversize paper napkin which I KNEW they'd whisk off of me once the doc was in arm's reach ... I began to make jokes with Heather - who if you remember, came along to watch. So we chatted on for a bit.

I noticed the Implements of Snippage, the ones I'd heard mocking a former "patient" ... they were hiding beneath a folded towel on a tray not far from their soon to be victims. My napkin suddenly seemed even worse defense than before. I could see the syringe which would numb me up- and oddly enough THAT was the one implement for which I was rooting .. I wanted 110% effort outta that guy. Mr Syringe needed to bring his "A" game today.

Then suddenly, outta nowhere, the song "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" by The Eagles came on the speakers. I nearly died laughing right then.

It wasn't long before the doc and his assistant arrived. And of course he brought a female assistant. Ah the shame was to be complete today.

The doc said hi, asked me to lay back and proceeded to immediately throw away the napkin which had covered me. So I'm thinking .... is it some kind of strange etiquette that we even need that thing to begin with ... suddenly hoping he's not thinking the same kinds of thoughts when looking at my "groinal" region.

After swabbing me from what seemed like my chest to ankles in idoine, the doc armed himself with the syringe and unceremoniously jabbed it into my nether-regions with barely a "brace yourself, here it comes".

At this point, I went into "root canal at the dentist mode". I figured there would be some waiting for the shot to take effect before the slicing and dicing began. However, the doc and nurse immediately began talking, still standing right over my most personal of areas, and were moving instruments around. I assumed they were just laying out things, using me as a table, getting ready for the main event. Heck the dentist does that, why not a urologist right?

Then I heard snipping. The click, click of scissor-like cutting. The snick ... snick .. of metal doing its very sharp and accurate business. HEY there's no reason to hear that yet right? Could I be numb yet? Its only been SECONDS since the shot! Do I ask them? Do I look down there ... um NO .... on that point.

So I ask at the risk of looking ridiculous.

Which when you think about it - how much more silly could I look right? Half naked, very white programmer body, and covered in iodine ... just to shake things up a bit. Yeah you don't want to look ridiculously when you're working THAT much cool.

So I ask em.

Turns out they were half done already. Wowsers. Soon they finished with the left side. Then the doc and nurse switched sides, jabbed me with Mr Syringe (for whom I was doing cartwheels on the inside) ... and proceeded to my right side.

I never felt a thing other than the two needle jabs.

Soon it was over. The doc was smiling at me, saying his goodbyes, giving me advice to manage the pain for later that night. We shook hands, I loaded myself and the copious amounts of gauze into my undies and sweats - and hobbled out.

The rest of my night was spent in front of the TV for it was my turn to pick for Family Night ... and my very closest inanimate pal for the next 8 hours was Mr Ice Pack - he must be related to Mr Syringe, cause the icepack was wonderful too.

So it was good. I'm glad I did it and glad it's over too.

As much silliness as I've put into this - it was actually a big bunch of nothing. The procedure was. Ahem.

I highly recommend this doc I have. If you're in my area, in Missouri near St Louis, and looking to have something like this done - shoot me an email. I've certainly got a doc to recommend. He's worth every second of the visit and without him doing such a good job, I wouldn't have been able to joke about this like I have.

See me later! I gotta go take some Tylenol. But Valium .. I still miss you.

Lazy Day .. Crazy Day

Some of you know and some of you may not that I've been talking to the Ambassadors of Harmony concerning joining their singing group. Its like a big choir of all guys, that sings here in the St Louis area. There is this guy with whom I work and he sings with them. He's been trying to get me to come to practice with them and try out on Thursday evenings. I've been slacking and putting it off.

Well today I took a walk on the Katie Trail during lunch since the weather is so ubr-nice today. I ran into Vince (the guy I mentioned) and 2 buddies he was with. Vince, like me, has been doing some weight loss of his own. These guys, whom I didn't know, were with him and had met him for lunch to walk together. Anyway, we bump into each other. Turns out the other two folks were members of a local barbershop quartet that broke up over the last few years. Vince starts yapping about singing right there in front of these guys. I was getting nervous and starting to sweat but trying to hide the urge to run away.

There was a pavilion close by. They basically talked me into going over to it, to do a little impromptu singing with them just for me to try out for the AOH. These other guys are members too. So I get hauled to the pavilion. Thank God there weren't many people in the park area nearby. We started singing. I stumbled through the first bit but was feeling better by the second verse of Lazy Day. By the time we got through all four verses, a small gathering of less than 10 folks was listening. And when we were done, there was a smattering of applause even (probably to be polite and apologize for staring). I led the way off that pavilion as fast as I could.

And to make this story more nerve-wracking, for me anyway, they want me to join up with their group. They liked me. Even joked about starting our own quartet by reviving that one which had broken up year before last. I kinda hope they were kidding about that. But I guess tomorrow night I'll show up at practice and see how it goes. The thing is we'd been considering moving and stuff. If I start down this little endeavor I'm not sure how the move will happen as I'll need to stay close by to St Charles. And I'm not sure how much travel is involved with this either.

Either way I'd like to remind you that this is the first day of April and none of this is true. I'll be typing my computer code in for some time I'm sure; so don't worry you won't have to be exposed to my singing voice anytime soon either. :)

So you think you know how to pee?

I’ve been debating on whether to share this story that happened to me recently. But here goes. Hi, my name is Rob and I was the recipient of a bathroom encounter gone all wrong.

Some background is in order for those of you who read my blog, particularly of the female persuasion, who likely don’t know the etiquette we men have for choosing a urinal in a public bathroom. Prepare to be educated.

There is one simple rule in the bathroom. Stay as far away from the other guys as possible. All men know this to be true. We are born with an innate gender-knowledge of this one truth to which we cling.

This simple credo, removes from each man’s bathroom experience several important and potentially uncomfortable things:

• Eye contact,
• Conversation,
• and finally, physical contact (dear god there should never been any of this in the men’s room for heaven’s sake.

I think this desire for our public bathroom experience to be as private as possible is basically carried over from our homes. For it is there that we husbands sometimes have our places of sanctuary reduced to the garage, the basement or the bathroom. Now while the garage and basement are only for some men having hobbies and whatnot, the bathroom is the clear-reigning king .. ruler over all places sacred to men. Thusly, in public places, when called upon to do our duty (no pun intended) we have the aforementioned simple rule and its glorious benefits. And we cling to that rule with our very lives.

For your review, I submit to you the Urinal test. Go take it, see how you do and come back.

I’ll wait right here …

Urinal Test (Drinknation)

Whistles …
Checks watch …
Smiles politely at passersby …
Frowns slightly …

Oh! Back so soon? Let us continue.

You see the other day in the bathroom at work I was unfortunate enough to get caught at the urinal alone, when my boss’ boss enters to do his business. There are 3 urinals.

I was in the far right one as stated in the test on which yes, I received a flawless score.

The big boss enters and occupies the farthest urinal from me. Good man. I smiled on the inside; reveling in the fact I am employed by a man of such good character as to be well in tune with the urinal rules. Then suddenly however, in the midst of my reflection, everything went desperately wrong.

He began to speak. Wildly I briefly convinced myself he'd lost his mind and was jabbering away to himself for this would have been far more comforting. But he was I realized with a certain measure of terror, speaking to me. And not even about work (not that that would make any difference though). It was just idle prattling.

I shuddered and responded. Now guys .. if you find yourself in this situation where you are forced to answer, everyone knows what to do right? Say it with me. Speak as little as possible. Good answer. And so I did.

But he was not to be so easily dissuaded.

He kept talking, now bringing in topics about work. Which only pours on the necessity of more conversation. I burst into sweat, profuse and unrelenting. Because now, heck, here is my boss and I’ve got to give him an impromptu status report. I can't escape, bound as I am by my task at one end and my taskmaster at the other.

Time began to get that really slow feeling and I was sure that I was beginning to have an out of body experience. And then it happened. Terror of terrors.

He looked at me.

NO! No! No! Never ever, ever, EVER make eye contact at a urinal! Even worse, NEVER look down while even remotely facing the direction of another guy! Mercifully I was spared being evaluated in addition to giving my unexpected status report.

I didn’t know what to do with myself at that point. I mean that both figuratively and in the physical sense of the word. Do I continue talking? Should I cut this short, casually stroll to the other bathroom and finish my business there? And why AM I still peeing anyway?

There was nothing to do but endure. Well eventually the whole business came to an end without more to tell than I have already. It was uncomfortable on so many wrong levels.

Friends .. neighbors .. fellow bloggtreymen, lend me your ears. Learn the urinal rules. Even if you’re a woman. Perhaps you’ve got a guy that may not know them. I certainly wish my boss’ wife knew the rules and could have communicated them to him. So please, I implore you. Educate one another. Don’t let this news stop here.

Let’s start grass-roots effort, nay, a urinal puck level effort to change men’s restroom etiquette ... one person at a time.

That’s all for me. I’m off to write my petition to Congress to have Urinal Manners Awareness Day added as a recognized holiday on the calendar.