Friday, April 3, 2009

You're gonna put that scalpel where?

For this Fatherhood Friday I'd like to talk a little bit about vasectomies. Also I need to mention how proud I am of my son (no he didn't have a vasectomy - that is gonna be my duty) - I'm proud of him for other more fun reasons.

So let’s start with the pain that’s coming for old Dad. Then we'll move on to the nice-stuff about Josh who I will affectionately refer to from now on as Thing 1 since now, Thing 2, is on the way. Also, I owe him that much. I'll explain why I “owe him” later in this post.

So, the vasectomy ...

I went to the doc this past Monday to discuss the impending procedure. I was also drawn by a twisted need to expose myself to a strange man. Yeah right. However, he turned the tables by charging ME money to look at my nether regions. So right out of the gate, that seems upside-down. I mean if he's asking to see, shouldn't maybe the money be heading my way?

So it was an odd experience at best. Full of action and intrigue though.

Speaking of odd. I'm certain it will only get much odder on the 17th of this month. That's the day of the procedure - so yes this is only a pre-rant and likely you'll endure another post about it after it happens. On the morning of the 17th, I will put the schvantz into the most precarious position ever .. within striking distance .. nay, slippage distance .. of implements so sharp that even without anesthesia .. were the doctor to have a mishap, I'd not know things were missing unless I looked.

Mishaps however unlikely to occur, but are nonetheless completely plausible, such as:

1) A sudden coughing fit.

2) An unexpected sneeze.

3) He becomes uncontrollably distracted by a falling object outside the window

- Something outside ... "Thud" ..
- He whips around suddenly ... "What was that?" ..
- Turns back to me .. "Where did it go?"

Yes these are all scenarios I'd certainly like to avoid.

So on Thurs night before the surgery I may have my own Garden of Gethsemane moment .. "Father if it be thy will, let this scapel pass from me but nevertheless just let this dude's hands be steady .. and not too cold."

Yeah, something like that. Not as pithy as what Jesus said but you get my drift.

Well back to the exam ... Dr “Clippy” as I’ll call him, explained many things to me. He allayed many fears, while also bringing to light information which I did not even know people were concerned about. Things like:

  • Your voice won’t change.
  • You won’t grow breasts (Seriously guys worry about this but who knew?)
  • Nothing in your intimate life will change.

This was all good stuff to know. He also told me all about the procedure. In Rated-R detail. And even said my wife could attend. I’m pushing hard for her to be there too simply in order to garner more sympathy during the recovery weekend. But honey, leave the camera at home please :)

The whole procedure won’t take long at all – only around fifteen minutes. I find it ironic that my personal bits’ most public appearance (its 15 minutes of fame if you will) shall be “cut short” as it were. The big lights will come on .. the world will be my stage for a moment … I’ll have everyone’s attention .. and then it all turns into some weird sort of Friday the 13th for which I’ve volunteered.

But I’m only kidding. It won’t be all that bad. The doc lied to me and told me so.

And now we sew up this post .. ahem ... Josh and I have been talking quite openly about all this vasectomy stuff. Which I think is really healthy. It’s good for him to know about these things. PLUS it’s really fun to have a guy in the house to share the squirming with during the explanations too. We joke around about it a lot – which leads me to my last point.

I’m proud of my kiddo and his powers of wit. He’s really coming into his own with the snappy remarks. I’m so happy. His Jedi powers are growing. Powerful he will be someday, hmmm? Yes powerful indeed.

He’s really good on offense but his defense is still a bit lacking. That will change in time. However, his latest zinger really made me laugh and it’s why I “owed him one” as mentioned in the beginning of this post. In light of this vasectomy he gave me a new nickname.

He now calls me “Snips”.

Nuff said. :)


Heather said...

Awe :( no camera?!? You'll need something for posterity's sake [grin]. Besides it'll give ya some very for a personally taught homeschool health class. Hehe.
Love you!

J said...

Well, Dad I just hope they do well with your procedure. BTW, I hope they don't put a lightsaber to the wires :D See ya snips!

Shaddy said...

Your humorous take on this guy thing is very entertaining.

Keep up this writing thing you've got going for you.