Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Billy Mays: A Final Broadcast

Billy Mays here, from the afterlife, to announce something earth-shaking, something so exciting
You simply must hear this to believe it!

Due to the recent death of mega-stars such as Farrah Fawcett we're overstocked on things like, flashlights.

So we are passing these savings along to you!

Flashlights previously used to look at Farrah's poster under the covers are now sitting in our inventory.

These flashlights are perfect for security ..
(cut to scene of the hamburglar getting caught stealing hamburgers from the kitchen)
For driving nails ..
(cut to scene of flashlight driving spikes into boards and then some dude hangs from them)
And yes all Farrah Flashlights are naturally resistant to moisture!
(show flashlight being dropped into a pool, hitting a nail on the way down, driving it in while the erratic beam exposes the hamburglar .. again)

Billy yells even louder.

Yes folks if you act now this fantastic Farrah Flashlight can be yours for the low-low price of $19.95.

But wait there's more! Billy's voice reaches an uncomfortable crescendo, prompting that internal reaction to reach for the remote .. but you can't .. because you KNOW YOU HAVE to see what's next.

Michael Jackson also passed away last week leaving us overstocked on yes you know it ..

Big Wheels!

We have Big Wheels filling our warehouse to the ceiling! If you call now, we will add in a Big Wheel with your Farrah Flashlight order .. ABSOLUTELY FREE!

That's right! But act now! These won't last and quantities ARE limited!

Folks, Big Wheels are GREAT for:
.. going to the market (shows Big Wheel with bike basket)
.. for exercise (shows ultra skinny model frantically learning to ride the Big Wheel while the camera rolls)
.. and MUCH, much more (prompting you to think that Big Wheels are more useful than just for riding around on)

So that's right folks!

A Farrah Flashlight
(screen swirls to show all it's amazing uses at once),
PLUS a Big Wheel
(image of Big Wheel is rubber stamped over the flashlight)

ALL for ONLY $19.95!

CALL NOW FOLKS! I'M BILLY MAYS for the FARRAH FLASHLIGHT and THE MJ BIG WHEEL!


4 comments:

Shaddy said...

You are amazing, Rob. This is clever, timely, hilarious and very entertaining.

What a mind!

Krawl said...

Too late....I already got two of each off ebay!

Jennifer said...

you know, up until I read this, I had not idea Billy Mays had died too.. Poor guy...

Okay all the same, that was funny stuff!

Fred said...

I'll take a Jackson Big Wheel and tape two flashlights to it. I always wanted a big wheel with Farah Fawcett headlights.